Deep Thursday thoughts that have nothing to do with Triathlon.

Today is like many others that drift by..I get up, eat breakfast, get on the computer, go to the dentist (not normally), go to the gym for a swim, back on Facebook, going to eat lunch, get my waxing done at the local beauty salon, come home-watch Oprah, eat dinner, watch some more TV, then bed. Does this sound like a boring life? I am not tired of it at all yet. I still feel some days the giddiness of being on vacation or something. Like I am waiting for the Work Police to call and tell me it is time to go back to work..I still feel guilty most days for not accomplishing something, a task like laundry or calling the yard guy or not calling a friend. Anything my computer file in my brain can drum up to make me feel just bad enough not to enjoy the whole thing totally!

Daily guilt... it is very unlikely that this habit will die off easily. To live a guilt free life. What would that be like? To not feel guilty for some error in parenting that is now effecting a 3rd generation..I did that..to my kid...now this other kid is paying! Oh, and the endless guilt of never doing enough, being enough, working hard enough..retirement makes me feel guilty when I see my friends and family working so hard. I know intellectually I have paid my dues but emotionally, is it ever going to be enough? Oh and even more important, do I deserve this? I have spent many a year soul searching in therapy, I am not afraid to admit it..But somehow I have never accepted it all. That I am really a great person who deserves it all!

Now I can see this for others. They deserve the very best-why not? That made me a competent therapist-I believe the best in most everyone..Why not the best for me? Remembrances of family messages about being too conceited, or not being worthy come to mind. Deep inside the recesses of my psyche these messages abide. Will they ever be really gone? Probably not...this amazes me!

(OK, H just said this sounds really depressing..I am not depressed folks, it is just a feeling I am expressing today. I really do love myself..these are just feelings and thoughts of the day).
:)

The four words I never thought I would say..

I love to run!

I use to envy people who said they loved to run. I thought they were either just gifted in running or lying..But today, as I began my 2 hr. 15 min. run, I thought: Man I love this! It just happened when I least expected it..Not only did I enjoy my run but I actually thought I was in heaven running in south Denver. Here in Denver it is like the Rolls Royce of running/biking venues..Bathrooms every mile, trails that go FOREVER, places to buy water and food everywhere..And now, several hours and 11.4 miles later, I feel like a million bucks! Maybe 8 years of training really does get you better with time!

Really no downside except today..was a high..uh hem.."bathroom day" as I call them. This is when my bowels go into overdrive and if I do not find a potty like right now! there is trouble..Some call these "runner's trots" I call them "shits from hell". It only happens on long runs and seems to be clearly related to the previous day's diet. So maybe the chocolate cake with cream cheese filling and frosting really wasn't good for me?

It is all Becca's fault..She is in a dessert mode and how can I refuse to join her? No more complaining about muffin top waists or weight gain here..

Oh and the baby..well here she is..'Nuff said:

Too Neurotic for the big time..

I am feeling torn...when we found out the Amazing Race is doing auditions in ABQ on Saturday and Sunday, Team Wess was briefly ready to go try out. Except for a few little details:

1. I will not be in ABQ this weekend as I am visiting B,D and baby Hadley in Denver. This is changeable but I really would rather spend time with the baby!

2. Both of us are afraid of heights. REALLY afraid! So which one of us could do the 1000 ft. bungee jumping?

3. I am a nervous, neurotic traveler, even on my best days. Add jet lag, lack of sleep and lack of food and I could be a raging bitch on national TV.

So I really want this? The idea of being on the Amazing Race and possibly winning $1,000,000 sounds good in theory but do not think I could actually do it in reality..I think the neurosis would win over the $$...

So on a brighter note, I guess I missed the garage break in last night here at B&D's house. So glad I was not in charge of hearing the doorbell at 2:00 AM, when the cops came to the door to alert them that; not only was the garage open but a car door was ajar..B&D's Tom-Tom was stolen and a stack of homemade CDs (big market for that I guess) but not the nice bikes or tools. Go figure, and thank God B&D keep their door to the inside locked. Apparently the garage door inadvertently got opened last night (not by me-menopausal mom, I am 100% sure)..

D is away for 2 nites so B and I are left to fend off any would be thieves on our own tonite..I am not worried really plus we will have the cops do a driveby for the next couple of nights..

B & I are doing a run with the baby this afternoon. I will test my Bob-stroller skills. B is training for a 10k.

Hadley is adorable of course. She may not make the clone list though. I think she may have more than a hint of dad in her which completely breaks the clone chain..

In the meantime all my crazy friends are stampeding to sign up for IM St. George in Utah. My immediate thought is how the hell cold is the water in May up there? Anyway our plans for down under are taking our attention away from local IM races...otherwise I would probably succumb to peer pressure as usual..it is rather close on the IM scale! I am sure it will fill up within a couple of days. I finally posted on an Australian triathlon board (thanks to LBTEPA, who is a relative "neighbor" to Busselton). There are only about 70 peeps registered and I was beginning to get concerned-would there even be an IMWA? Well apparently down under they are not as crazy and obsessed as we North Americans are because most register in Sept or October, for a December race! Imagine that! They have never even have had a cutoff for the race there, last year only 1000 people were there. Wow! This laid back approach is very appealing to me and maybe no one else will be in the old lady age group..now that is an interesting thought! There were TEN women in my AG last December so I doubt if that is a possibility..but who knows?

I am here until Monday. The weather in Colorado is outstanding-highs in the 70s..
Rocky Mountain High!

I left Debbie Downer home today..

OK, I don't feel so much like a loser this week on the bike...we just got back from a 49 mile bike ride and I kept up! Averaged 17.3 MPH!! I guess the Wired Drink I drank this AM after a few weeks off coffee helped..did I mentioned I had alot of energy? It was the good kind though. We even rode in a paceline for about 8 miles of the ride. That was fun. Made the fast ones slow up a bit and the slow ones (ex: me) speed up a bit..

I have hope again, even if it is due to caffeine. H & I ran 9 miles yesterday..well we won't talk about how long that took..I look at quality, not time-that is completely bullshit!

Next race the OC Half Marathon on May 3rd, then our local Jay Benson sprint triathlon on May 10th. Leading up to the Buffalo Springs Lake half IM on June 28th..

I leave for Denver on Wednesday to see the BABY!! Yay!

A Day of Me again..

There were a few years in there post mom dying, midlife depressive, perimenopausal days where I was pretty much stuck on the couch in a fetal position for many days..That was several years ago..I had few close friends except party buddies and acquaintances but for the most part I was one sad puppy..that's OK-that is just where I was.

Fast forward many therapy sessions later, Master's education in Counseling, grief work pretty much completed and I got to have a day like yesterday! H & I playfully saying We have friends! Like it is something new, something to be treasured -because at the end of the day, friends and family are all that really count.

Spa day with Dread Pirate, Iron Geekgirl and Cindy was the BEST! We laughed, talked, Spa-ed and ate our way through the day..nary a care in the world. These are all women who are middle-aged, I being the oldest. We have triathlon, raising kids, having husbands in common. All of it appeared in my day yesterday..I look back and wonder who was that depressed woman who didn't even want to leave my house most days, much less hang out with my people, my women friends? I felt comfortable, at home at Girls' Day Out yesterday. Just like my old self, back in the days of High School, when my friends were everything to me..

There is hope for me forever now. I never again have to stay in that place again. That dark, depressive state of being.. Welcome to the land of friends and life and happy days again!