Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Ghosts of the past..

I had a strange dream last night. I was at a high school reunion. All my best girlfriends from HS were there and they basically ignored me. They didn't save a seat at the table they were eating at-I was so hurt in my dream! Now some would say it was the full bag of Red Vines I had at the movies last night (this is my tradition at the movies-training be damned!). I think it has more to do with the memories I have of being on the swimteam in HS and being so slow. I think I have discussed this before-if so-don't read on..I was the fastest kid in my AG when I was 9 years old because I was so tall. Then as time went on, I became slower and slower. Now as a kid, this was traumatic for me! I could never quite get with the fast kids. This is a bit how I feel right now in triathlon. I want to train with the fast kids and my brain can be logical and say-yes I am female, yes I am "older", though I am in denial about this, I may not have the genetics to win (I prefer to look like a female thank you). However, emotionally, it sucks having to train so slow, not keep up, be left out of the fast workouts. I am realistic-I am not 35 or even 45. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am way past that, but the deep seated hurt and feelings of inferiority do exist even on a subconcious level. Maybe this is one of the reasons I am attracted to training and racing triathlons. I want to prove myself at last! It is such a great journey for that reason. Hey if I keep going I can again be the fastest at age 70 just because I endured! Then maybe the fast kids will be old too.
:)

2 comments:

Cindy said...

Well, speed is relative. At the Elephant Man Tri, I think I was the last one out of the water. There may have been 1 or 2 behind me (unless Jeff just told me that to make me feel better). That was hard on my ego, but I was still proud because I met my goal for that swim!

You kicked my butt at that race...to me, you are fast.

I know what you mean though with wanting to be as fast as some others out there. You set a few PR's last year though, and I think that's the important thing...competing with yourself :)

21stCenturyMom said...

That's pretty much my plan - be a podium finisher when I get to the 70-74 AG. Sadly, there are a bunch of women with the same dream so I may be stuck in the middle of the pack forever but I will always have fun and no one can take that away, right?