Today is like many others that drift by..I get up, eat breakfast, get on the computer, go to the dentist (not normally), go to the gym for a swim, back on Facebook, going to eat lunch, get my waxing done at the local beauty salon, come home-watch Oprah, eat dinner, watch some more TV, then bed. Does this sound like a boring life? I am not tired of it at all yet. I still feel some days the giddiness of being on vacation or something. Like I am waiting for the Work Police to call and tell me it is time to go back to work..I still feel guilty most days for not accomplishing something, a task like laundry or calling the yard guy or not calling a friend. Anything my computer file in my brain can drum up to make me feel just bad enough not to enjoy the whole thing totally!
Daily guilt... it is very unlikely that this habit will die off easily. To live a guilt free life. What would that be like? To not feel guilty for some error in parenting that is now effecting a 3rd generation..I did that..to my kid...now this other kid is paying! Oh, and the endless guilt of never doing enough, being enough, working hard enough..retirement makes me feel guilty when I see my friends and family working so hard. I know intellectually I have paid my dues but emotionally, is it ever going to be enough? Oh and even more important, do I deserve this? I have spent many a year soul searching in therapy, I am not afraid to admit it..But somehow I have never accepted it all. That I am really a great person who deserves it all!
Now I can see this for others. They deserve the very best-why not? That made me a competent therapist-I believe the best in most everyone..Why not the best for me? Remembrances of family messages about being too conceited, or not being worthy come to mind. Deep inside the recesses of my psyche these messages abide. Will they ever be really gone? Probably not...this amazes me!
(OK, H just said this sounds really depressing..I am not depressed folks, it is just a feeling I am expressing today. I really do love myself..these are just feelings and thoughts of the day).