Thursday, March 26, 2009

Deep Thursday thoughts that have nothing to do with Triathlon.

Today is like many others that drift by..I get up, eat breakfast, get on the computer, go to the dentist (not normally), go to the gym for a swim, back on Facebook, going to eat lunch, get my waxing done at the local beauty salon, come home-watch Oprah, eat dinner, watch some more TV, then bed. Does this sound like a boring life? I am not tired of it at all yet. I still feel some days the giddiness of being on vacation or something. Like I am waiting for the Work Police to call and tell me it is time to go back to work..I still feel guilty most days for not accomplishing something, a task like laundry or calling the yard guy or not calling a friend. Anything my computer file in my brain can drum up to make me feel just bad enough not to enjoy the whole thing totally!

Daily guilt... it is very unlikely that this habit will die off easily. To live a guilt free life. What would that be like? To not feel guilty for some error in parenting that is now effecting a 3rd generation..I did my this other kid is paying! Oh, and the endless guilt of never doing enough, being enough, working hard enough..retirement makes me feel guilty when I see my friends and family working so hard. I know intellectually I have paid my dues but emotionally, is it ever going to be enough? Oh and even more important, do I deserve this? I have spent many a year soul searching in therapy, I am not afraid to admit it..But somehow I have never accepted it all. That I am really a great person who deserves it all!

Now I can see this for others. They deserve the very best-why not? That made me a competent therapist-I believe the best in most everyone..Why not the best for me? Remembrances of family messages about being too conceited, or not being worthy come to mind. Deep inside the recesses of my psyche these messages abide. Will they ever be really gone? Probably not...this amazes me!

(OK, H just said this sounds really depressing..I am not depressed folks, it is just a feeling I am expressing today. I really do love myself..these are just feelings and thoughts of the day).


Tania said...

I have to say Aunt Debi, I can't wait! I can't wait till the day I can wake up cause I want to... not cause I have to. That when I eat and drink and what I eat or drink.. or nap.. or bathe.. or sleep or... anything... is based on what I want to do with my time and my day instead of what all the other people pulling at me want! I know that is a selfish way to look at it... but I am proud of you. You did a terrific job with your girls! They are wonderful, beautiful, strong women and I know that is exactly what you wanted for them! When my day comes, *in about 10 ish years* we can go to the salon together!!
I love you!!

Duane said...

Debi, you are awesome, don't be hard on yourself!

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

I can't wait to be retired! I hope to be able to retire fairly young so that I can enjoy it. I say - HAVE FUN!!

cindy said...

It's amazing how those negative family messages can stick with us too. I enjoy hanging out with you because of who you are!

Acinom19 said...

That must be nice to have days like that. :) Surprisingly, my life is crazy busy, and part of me can't wait to graduate so it can slow down. In college, you have classes during the day and everything else at night. It's crazy! Enjoy your days that feel like you are on vacation. You deserve them. :)

LBTEPA said...

You're a therapist - feeeling and naming the feelings is the way to move through them.
Probably some of those negative messages have spurred you on to your great achivements (maybe?)

michiseagrist said...

Debi, You have earned your days of doing what you'd like to do or nothing at all. Please don't feel bad. You and H have both worked hard in your lives. I think it's great that you're enjoying life. I just look forward to being able to retire and enjoy a bit more of life outside the more training....and Oprah!

WADDLER26.2 said...

How exciting---You are so lucky. Your emotions are all normal