Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What now??

If you want to know the truth about yourself just ask your kids. Mine told me recently I was this (Debbie Downer-wah, wah, wah). Thanks Bec!

Truth is...I have had shall we say mild depression since my re-entry into the real world..to say the least. First of all post IM depression is real..I have had it before. After the race, the let down can be intense. All that training, all that anticipation, all those endorphins, then BOOM..you land on the ground again...hard..Couple that with a predisposition to depression anyway and you have Debbie Downer for sure!

Well, I have a cure for this..at least temporarily. Travel for 2 months!! It certainly kept the blues away for awhile, that is for sure. Being in a new place every couple of days certainly keeps the excitement level going. Guessing what you will be eating the next day, trying new restaurants, flying in scary planes, fighting flies, ants in the bed..it all works! We spent a glorious 2 month vacation in which things went pretty smoothly and it was WAY better than I thought it would be. So then we landed home..

THEN..the STOOPID leg infection which, if you ask me was completely unnecessary to get me back to earth. I got the being home thing as soon as I put my first load of laundry into the machine at home..really I did. But the universe had other ideas...After 3 trips to the doctor, 2 antibiotic shots, 10 days of antibiotic pills I think the damn thing is finally healing. It is now the size of a penny and scabbed over (nice, huh?). So I can stop my cyber chondria now...I went from- probable gangrene sure amputation and MRSA (this is bad-you do not want to know how bad this can be)-never ending infection in leg to- damn I may live to see another day and even swim sometime this year!

Now what?!? I ask myself. It is cold outside, I have no desire to run, bike, swim even leave the house. Sounds a little like Debbie Downer doesn't it?  So I do what I do best..I PUSH MY ASS out the door!! That is what Ironman racing does for you. It teaches you that you can feel like shit one minute, SO SOMETHING TO FIX IT, and feel great the next. So that is how I am treating this little post IM, post fantastic vacation depression. Shoving myself out the door to run, to the gym, to shop..anything to break this nasty little blues feeling..

I am still lamenting over the damn IMWA race. I made a slide show of our adventures down under and I still cringe when I see myself on the bike, at the finish...it is hard not to still think I suck! Power walking a marathon is not recommended...ever....it was the major suck fest that I never want to experience again. To work that hard last year and to have the result I had (I know I should be happy I finished at all..blah, blah, blah)-really really sucks! So why is this still bothering me??? I cannot put my finger on it really..I have this expectation that if you want something bad enough and work hard enough, it should be yours! Is this realistic? Maybe not at my age...

Swimming is out for awhile with the whole leg thing (again MRSA-bad idea to have open wound at gym)..Which also is tough because it appears that is my strongest event..Maybe I should take up competitive swimming..I am sure there are faster women my age in that sport too (wah, wah wah..)

I am gonna figure this thing out eventually..in the meantime I am training for something, what I do not know yet. Probably some sprint tris, and maybe a half IM next year, because this is what I do! I also need to fix my expectations...this is probably some damn life stage I am passing through where I have to accept my limitations or something stupid like that (wah, wah, wah...)..


btwcoach said...

I'm sending the whaaaaaambulance your way.... hahaha!
Love you

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

that's my girl -- make lemonade!

let's get back out there this weekend, I miss ya! BTW when will you have a slideshow party?

Natalie Smith, LISW said...

All I keep thinking is that "at least you get your self out that door!!! I haven't seen the inside of a gym or hit the pavement with my feet in anything resembling a trot for almost 2, count em 2 monhts!!! Shame fills the gap and I try to run from it and then ....another danm month passes by...( how's that for some wah wah wahing.....) How do you get yourself out the door? At least you get out the door! See ? it's all relative my sweet:))

Lisa said...

I think you need to find something to do that makes you happy...whatever that might be... :-)

Calyx Meredith said...

I'm glad to hear the leg is healing and I'm totally impressed you can get yourself out the door when you feel down. Take care of yourself. Can't wait to see what you're up to next.

Flamin' Mo said...

You definitely need to hang out with people (like us) that know how awesome you are! And like you said, post-IM blues are totally real, and you've dealt with them before. So do what works!
Personally, I'd take up baking for a month or two.... :)

Fe-lady said...

Glad your leg is getting better...sounded scary there for awhile.
You mentioned on my last post (which I removed by the way-was getting too many negative comments) that IM has changed your life.
I would love to know how.
I wanted IM to change mine...kinda..not that I am unhappy with my life. I am not...but I am curious as to how it has changed yours. You with a loving supportive family and beautiful grandkids...(this is all I have ever wanted)-how does the IM thing fit in? Thanks-you don't have to share. Only if you want. And good for you for getting out the door.
Hope you are feeling better!